The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond

Amazon.com

Are you now, or have you ever been, in relationships with family, friends, or mates who have been verbally abusive? Is your happiness with someone you love continually threatened by interactions that continually undermine your self-esteem? Do you feel trapped in a relationship that keeps decaying in a downward spiral of overt or passive-aggressive abuse?

If so, this book could be your life raft, either carrying you toward repair of the existing relationship or the effects of past relationships or offering liberation from your current confusion. Its practical approach can help clear your head and possibly change your life. The only criticism that I and other readers have is that the author assumes verbal abuse is almost always directed by males toward females, which, in my experience and that of others I know, is not necessarily the case. Highly Recommended.

Book Description

If you or someone you know answers "yes" to one or more of the following questions, this book is required reading:

Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week?
Does he deny being angry when he clearly is?
Do your attempts to discuss feelings of pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved?
Do you frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses, as though you were each speaking a different language?

Almost everyone has heard of or knows someone who is part of a verbally abusive relationship-if they're not involved in one themselves. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll find validation and understanding-it's "not all in your head"-and encouragement for your efforts to change the situation. In this expanded second edition, author Patricia Evans explores the damaging effects of verbal abuse on children and the family, and offers valuable insight and recommendations to therapists, as well as those who seek therapeutic support.

Customer Reviews:

What a horrible piece of bitterness.......2007-09-22

I read this entire book at my wife's request - but the book was thrown against the wall more than once. I guess if you listen to this pompous and self-righteous author, that makes me an abuser. Of course, her main point was that if I am a man, I am an abuser. You could hear the bitterness of her probably coming from a bad relationship.

Of course women love this book. According to his author, a women is not responsible for her own happiness, her husband is. You don't have to get very far into the book to see her ridiculous list of things that identify an abusive husband - she's not happy, she doesn't feel understood, she is confused, her husband gets angry, her husband doesn't tell her his feelings, her husband tells her his feelings.

Then you go on to some more indicators. What "red flags" should a woman look for to call her husband an abuser? If he brings her gifts, if he takes her to a nice restaraunt, if he says he loves her, if he doesn't understand her, if she doesn't understand him, if he talks to her, if he doesn't talk to her, if he asks her if everything is OK, if he pays too much attention to her, if he doesn't pay enough attention to her.

Then this author goes on with the feel-good psycho-babble. If you feel it - it is true. Do you feel alone - you have been abandoned. Do you feel sad - you are abused. Do you feel like you don't understand your husband - you are being deceived.

How did she get the information for this book? By talking to women - only women. Not one single man. She didn't determine if what the woman was telling her was accurate or a complete fictional account. Why wouldn't she talk to men? Because we're all abusers - why would she waste her time talking to any of us. This bitter lady is a certified man-hater and it appears to be her goal in life to break up as many marriages as possible.

She offers about 3 pages on how to keep a relationship together - but not before telling the woman that the only real solution is to leave your husband if he is an abuser - and we're all abusers. She goes on and on about how there is almost no chance whatsoever salvaging a marriage, so you might as well divorce your husband and live alone for the rest of your life.

This is a horrible hate-filled book and it saddens me how many marriages this bitter woman will destroy.

Finally.......2007-09-11

My daughter said, "How does one study verbal abuse? The abuser denies it". So, this book is soooo helpful in describing the situation. Finally, someone understands! The author puts into words experiences so many have, yet cannot share. Not being able to share and be understood is a prison to the soul. The author also has some answers, and I'm sure more will come, even from the reader! If you think you're crazy, the "only one" who is unable to relate to your spouse, or a failure as a woman/spouse, a must read!

Relationship analysis.......2007-08-30

This book is very "text bookish" and I feel it would be beneficial to have written this book as more of a story line and not so much repetition. I was hopefull that Patricia could have focused more on the "abuser" becoming less abusive and more cooperative with his mate. I do like the short questionares she recommends to take to determine an abusive status in a relationship. There is truely much to gain by this book, but I feel a more personable approach would have been better.

This Book Saved My Life...........2007-08-12

With friends and family trying to convince me to stay with my husband...because he was the life of the party, so sweet and kind to them, and because I would be homeless and penniless if I left...
This book saved my life. I went from a "full-of-life" woman to a weak and depressed shell-of-a-person. I was so sad and exhausted from his verbal abuse that I didn't want to go on living.
So here I am, homeless and penniless..with nothing but the clothes on my back and Patrica's book under my arm. At least I know I am not crazy and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
With all my heart...thank you.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse.......2007-08-10

Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

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OH MY GOD...
Malignant Self Love
Vaknin and MSL -- A lifesaver
Read It And Weep
It's worth every penny

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
Sam Vaknin
Manufacturer: Narcissus Publications,Czech Republic
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 8023833847

Book Description

When the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. Such a person takes behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated. His True Self is dilapidated and dysfunctional. Instead he has a tyrannical and delusional False Self. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He cannot love others because he cannot love himself. He loves his reflection, his surrogate self. And he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change cannot live.

The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead. The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of the word.

He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, the narcissist feels, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.

The main body of research about Narcissism is surveyed in the book.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited offers a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It contains new insights and an organized methodological framework. The first part of the book comprises more than 100 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Customer Reviews:

OH MY GOD..........2007-09-19

My mother-in-law is literally in the center of a Narcissistic Rage...now! My husband and I have been weathering this abuse alone for years. Only recently has the abuse begun to extend to our children and for the first time we have stood our ground rather than make excuses for her behavior...and the Injury-Rage cycle was triggered. My husband's brother was so taken aback by this rage that he now sees her abuse for the first time clearly (although since he had become a new parent he had begun to suspect the depth of her problems). Unfortunately, 80% of the family still are under her spell.

We are now simply waiting the days for our permanent banishment from the family to occur. We have openly requested to attend counseling with both parents (making the request with witnesses present as recommended). Both my husband and his brother have little hope that she and my father-in-law will respond. Sadly, the other members of the family do not find it suspicious that she once played out this same scenario 18 years ago when she severed all ties with her own brother-in-law and his family...while my father-in-law just watched it happen. He only recently had contact with his brother at their father's funeral and following his mother's surgery. No one else either makes the connection that she has often lamented that her own parents never cut ties with her own abusive eldest brother (my husband is the eldest son) and the reason the she has no friends today is that she ceremoniously cut ties each time a conflict occurred. Just two days ago, she made the public spectacle of declaring my husband (and myself by extension) as source of all her woes. Characteristically, the family was called together at half past midnight by my father-in-law on the premise that "mom is having a nervous breakdown". When everyone was gathered (the original family since spouses of course needed to stay home with children), it quickly became clear that it was simply a venue to declare how my husband is driving her over the edge with his cruelty and to list the unjust pain she has suffered over the years from him (forgetting that for 10 of the last 17 years my husband has been either out the state or out of the country...man, we're more effective that the CIA). Luckily the scene was so absurd as to fully awaken my brother-in-law and allow us to finally identify our situation overtly and concretely.

The point is...we are actually doing quite well. Thanks to Vaknin's writings. We know what we have and are facing (again we have been aware of her degeneration for some time but have been unable to properly cope since we could not understand what was attacking us). Thanks to Vaknin's blog, we now have the support of my brother-in-law and his wife. It has allowed us to identify the shadows that have been haunting us. We will do what we can to salvage relationships and the family, but we are now fully confident in our decision to do what we must to protect our children from involvement in her disorder. And it is an overwhelming relief to know that my brother-in-law agrees that all decisions now must be based on the children, even if it means accepting the permanent rejection of relations with their grandparents. (We had already solidly decided the children will no longer be allowed unchaperoned in her presence).

I found Vaknin's book Malignant Self Love wholly by accident. I was looking for an author I once heard in an NPR interview years ago. Her book was on sociopathy and I have quoted her often...and more so lately while talking with girlfriends about how it seems EVERY family has a "nutty Aunt Martha" and making "my nutty mother-in-law" jokes trying to cope with our degenerating situation. I had finally decided to find and buy that book since I have wanted to read it for so long. Vaknin's book came up in the search and again in the "people also bought" section. I read the reviews last week, nagging suspicions began and then two days ago was The Spectacle.

OH MY GOD...it was EXACTLY like what the reviews reported. Vaknin's book is in the mail now and his Blog has helped us more that I can express. Though we are in the thick of it and at the lowest point of her disorder, my husband and I are actually personally in a very good place. Our decisions now can be made with certainty...for the first time in several years...and we are no longer facing the unknown.

The 5 stars are based on the Blog (which I have cross referenced with my brother's wife who is a family counselor). I am confident that the book's quality will be consistent with both the Blog and 50 other 5 star reviews.

Malignant Self Love.......2007-08-02

If you read only one book on narcissism it should be Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin. As a Ph.D. psychotherapist, I have read many books on narcissism but none of them have contained as much insightful information and done so with such incisive clarity as Malignant Self Love. Sam Vaknin gives the reader what they would never get from the narcissist, and that's an intimate understanding of who they really are and why they do what they do. We all should be deeply grateful to Sam Vaknin for exposing the painfully confusing and profoundly complex truths contained in the mind, psyche, and behavior of the narcissist; doing so not merely as an observer or gatherer of information on this subject but from the dark depths of what it is to actually be one. By writing this brilliant book for others to learn from, Sam Vaknin provides us once more with what we would never authentically get from the pathological narcissist, compassion and generosity.

Vaknin and MSL -- A lifesaver.......2007-07-10

Like the myriad of other reviewers raving about this book, I too have been victimized by a classic narcissist.

Being a PhD-trained psychotherapist myself did nothing to help me in my downfall. In fact, it may have even hindered me, because I stubbornly refused to obey what all my healthy instincts were screaming (get out!), and I continued to extend compassion, patience, and tolerance long after what good boundaries would otherwise dictate.

My brief story first, then why I like this book.

My classic (somatic) narcissist was typical. I met her 7 months after the demise of my marriage (from which I had not yet fully recovered), and she was the perfect balm. Kind, loving, attentive, mirroring me oh so well. Coupled to considerable beauty and charm, I was pretty strongly hooked. I was aware from very early on that there was a certain larger-than-life (i.e., phoney) flavor to her. But I didn't want to look too hard at that. Had I have been more healed, undoubtedly I would have.

For the first 18 months, a honeymoon phase existed, although there were already clear warning signs, e.g., unmitigated rages over my efforts at saying "no" from time to time, a fundamental disinterest in getting to know me in any deep sense, vitriolic criticisms of many persons we crossed paths with. Her use of the word "weak" to describe persons in general. Telling too, was the need for constant excitement and the chronic mention of variations on the word "boredom" whenever life was merely routine.

It was a rude awakening to be shifted from primary narcissistic supply to secondary narcissistic supply. Compliments dried up, sex dried up, emotional intimacy dried up. Within a few months of this, I discovered a passionate affair (which ended the relationship), that so seduced the poor sap that he proposed marriage after 4 weeks. He was bewildered worse than me when she suddenly dropped him to come back to me. Promises of renewed efforts at our relationship, balancing give and take, improving of communication skills were the tools which seduced me the second time. The honeymoon lasted for about 4 months this time, then once again I fell into an ancillary role in the relationship. It took 14 more months of tolerating numerous lies, and on my part, nagging, begging, arguing, and looking for some shard of empathy from her for me and my giving and supportive role.

Sam mentions the "Stockholm Syndrome", (where the victims become enamored of their kidnappers). As a behaviorally-trained psychologist, I prefer to think in terms of reinforcement. Variable ratio reinforcement (i.e., the abuser randomly throws the victim and occasional bone) is the schedule that produces the highest rate of responding in the victim--AND is the most difficult to extinguish (end or escape from). Think of a slot machine. Narcissists are experts at reinforcing only intermittently. Few are as frequent at it as a Las Vegas slot! For those of you out there who are suffering, it may help you to appreciate that you're not crazy or weak. Most people can be seduced into unexpected behaviors by the powerful shaping of this type reinforcement. Then when YOUR drug (reinforcement) is cut off, expect to suffer greatly.

We come to Vaknin. I believe that his phenomonological analysis of the mind of the narcissist is outstanding. I am able to understand EVERY nuance of my ex's behavior. Things that absolutely puzzled me, like referring to herself in the third person when asking for physical comfort when sick. The feast to famine sexual behavior. The lack of any relationships with adults. The apparent contradiction of volunteer work--which puzzled me. All of these behaviors are crystal clear to me now after looking through the lens that Sam provides us with.

The book gets four stars only because I consider his etiology to be incomplete--which I believe he acknowledges. My ex DID however have the classic picture. A smothering, overly indulgent mother, and a clearly personality disordered--mostly absent alcoholic father. However, I am aware that most modern models of human behavior are multifactorial. I'd like to see an effort at this in Sam's book, and less psychodynamic/object relations theory. We have a long way to go hammering out this disorder.

Finally, I'd like more on treatment. I can't of course fault Sam for his dismal picture of treatment success. I am well aware from my own practice that narcissists only show up briefly (usually due to a crisis). They soon discover that they are smarter than the therapist(!)-- who may or may not have a role in effectively recharging their battery, and depart in short order.

I'd like to see a controlled study done using the Marsha Linehan's DBT methods. There is substantial research showing significant improvement in Borderline Personality Disorder which likely also has a very early childhood factor. There is enough overlap between the disorders I believe to warrant a closer look. The unfortunate mitigating variable is lack of interest on the part of the Narcissist! One of the last things my significant other said to me was, "I'll never go to psychotherapy, being with you has convinced me that THAT'S useless!" Fair enough. I will now do my own therapy for the trauma and abuse. I'm staggered with how damaged I am from this experience. Thank you Sam--and even you the reviewers--for your shared experience. You've been a lifesaver.

I consider the two negative reviews on here to be without substance. We ALL wish that the picture was better. Vaknin is telling it like it is. I'd very much like to read a book or study some day that shows clear evidence of recovery from this pernicious disorder. I'm sure many of us would. At least I have a substantial chance of healing and recovery. I believe my ex's to be infinitely more abysmal.

Read It And Weep.......2007-07-03

Thank you everyone else who reviewed this book. I read it online too. It is the bible for all victims of Narcissists...so I am ordering it from Amazon today. Like one of the other reviewers...I am divorcing a Narcissist who 'up and left' me for another victim (after writing me a gorgeous Valentines Day card)...brilliant really. This new girl is all too willing to provide him with a constant stream of 'Narcissistic Supply'...just how long she will be able to keep it up is anyone's guess...I did it for 15 years...His first wife did it for 6. I knew I was in the soup when I finally put my foot down and started to realize that perhaps it wasn't 'me' after all...I demanded that he make some changes and take responsibility for his actions...He would have laughed except that he has no sense of humor. Handsome, cool, edgy geniuses don't need one! I was 'gas-lighted' through and through and now I am suffering from a kind of Post traumatic Stress...almost like 'Stockholm Syndrome' where your captor gives you a delicious bit of reprieve from the psychological torture and allows you to 'bask in his glow' for a little while until he inflicts the next punishment or abandons you! Watch the Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer version of the movie 'Gaslight'! Order it on Amazon! After he dumped me and left me with $300,000.00 worth of debt, I wrote a long letter to the 1st wife apologizing to her! (I was HER replacement!...I sure got mine...) I told her of my findings. She was unbelievably GRATEFUL and said my clarity finally got her out of therapy! I have had many experiences in my life...some very difficult...but to be conned at the level of love (marriage and children) is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for listening!

It's worth every penny.......2007-06-03

If you do a google search, you can get the online copy downloaded as well...he is "the" resource for narcisissism, and this book explains a lot of the abuses of narcissists, it's the thing you can't put your finger on in the relationship...

Average customer rating:

This book was a "gift!"
A Gift of Fear
Trust Your Instincts!
Recommended reading
A Book for the Gullible and Fearful.

The Gift of Fear
Gavin De Becker
Manufacturer: Dell
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Mass Market Paperback

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ASIN: 0440226198
Release Date: 1998-05-11

Amazon.com

Each hour, 75 women are raped in the United States, and every few seconds, a woman is beaten. Each day, 400 Americans suffer shooting injuries, and another 1,100 face criminals armed with guns. Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening. The case studies are gripping and suspenseful, and include tactics for dealing with similar situations.

People don't just "snap" and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. "There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil." Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. --Joan Price

Book Description

True fear is often a signal that can save your life.  Are you listening?

The baby-sitter you've just hired makes you uneasy--what should you do?
You sense you are being followed --do you confront the stranger...or run?
A fired employee says "You'll be sorry"--should you take him seriously?
A person in the elevator you are about to enter just doesn't look right--do you wait for the next car?

A date won't take "no" for an answer.  The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling.  A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help.  The threat of violence surrounds us every day.  But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust--and act on--our gut instincts.

In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger--before it's too late.  Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including...how to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being stalked...how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more.  Learn to spot the danger signals others miss.  It might just save your life.

Customer Reviews:

This book was a "gift!".......2007-10-04

I've read this book three times now, and each time I read it I uncover more and more incredibly helpful advice and wisdom.

I think it's a mistake to focus on the author's alleged "anti-gun" bias - out of a 400+ page book, that's discussed for perhaps 5 or 6 pages, at most. I don't really think the author sounded "anti" gun at all, either - it seemed to me he was advocating caution rather than an outright ban on the use of guns for personal safety. Considering that most women don't have the time or financial resources to learn how to use and purchase a gun, who cares, anyway? The point seems irrelevant to me.

I frankly don't care whether or not his crime statistics can be backed up by research, either - what difference does it make to know exactly how many people were assaulted or murdered in a given year? One is too many, and if this book can help save one person from harm, or even death, what does it matter whether the person was one of 1,000 or one of 10,000?

Finally, someone mentioned that reading this book would cause people to become more fearful. For me, the opposite was true. I'd been having some trouble with an individual I tried "to let down easy." He just can't seem to let go, and I used to worry a lot about what was going on. I often felt afraid - afraid because I never knew when he might try to contact me again, afraid because I never knew what he might do next. I recently reread the book, though, and now, instead of worrying about the situation, I find that I can relax. I trust that my intuition will let me know if there's something that I really do need to be afraid of - and I now know I will be able to take action to protect myself accordingly.

I haven't felt this good in quite awhile, and I'm truly grateful to Gavin DeCker for this "gift" - the gift of the ability to live my life now without fear.

A Gift of Fear.......2007-10-01

This book was recommended by a presenter at a statewide safety conference in Missouri. I purchased and read the book. I believe that it will be very beneficial to our staff with regard to keeping their intuitive senses sharp. School violence is a topic of critical importance. Our district purchased enough copies to provide every staff person with their own copy. Mr. de Becker uses his experiences to tell us how to keep our senses sharp. I recently conducted a professional development session using his book as background information.

Trust Your Instincts!.......2007-09-25

Gavin de Becker has written an excellent book on intuition and how it can help you stay safe. This is simply the best book on this topic. This book describes ways to listen to those small messages. The author uses numerous real incidents to illustrate the principles he discusses. If you are looking for a comprehensive self-defense book, this is not it, but if you are looking for a definitive study of intuition and how it can help keep you safe - then this is the book!!

Recommended reading.......2007-09-25

This book is 400 pages full of informations about you and how others perceive the world around you.

Good that the author goes deep into the issue, quoting also Robert Hare's precious work:

"The ability to act in spite of conscience or empathy is one characteristic associated with psychopaths. Robert D. Hare's insightful book 'Without Conscience' identifies several other features. Such people are: - Glib and superficial - Egocentric and grandiose - Lacking remorse or guilt - Deceitful and manipulative - Impulsive - In the need of excitement - Lacking responsibility - Emotionally shallow. Many errors in predicting behavior come from the belief that others will perceive things as we do. The psychopath described above will not."

And there are so many examples out there, from burglars to politicians and right into your TV set, every day.

A Book for the Gullible and Fearful. .......2007-09-02

I am a law enforcement officer and have worked the streets in the Southern California area for almost 20 years. I read this book and would NOT recommend it to anyone. I have the 1997 edition and it was given to my by a friend to read and review.

First, the book promotes an anti-gun bias and the author wastes no time in alleged gun violence statistics he provides but interestingly never cites his sources to support them. Here's an example, "In the last two years alone, more Americans died from gunshot wounds than were killed during the entire Vietnam War."

De Becker never cited which last two years so I assumed it was the years 1995 and 1996. Per Wikipedia, 58,209 brave American soldiers were killed in the Vietnam War, 153,303 wounded and 1,948 missing. I checked FBI crime statistics under the combined category of murder/non-negligent manslaughter rates for the years of 1995 and 1996. In 1995, there were 21,665 murders and in 1996 there were 19,645 murders for a total of 41,310 well short of 58,209 soldiers killed in the Vietnam War.

He further compares United States crime rate to Japan's crime rate. A nation of over 260 million (1995 statistics) versus a nation of 126 million(1995 statistics)is not a fair comparison. Is Japan a safe country? Not really, as you are more likely to commit suicide in Japan. Japan's murder rate average 0.9 per 100,000, but its suicide rate is 20.3, for a combined rate of 21.1 per 100,000. The U.S. murder rate average 7.4 per 100,000, and the suicide rate is 12.0, for a combined total of 19.4 per 100,000. Thus, the combined murder and suicide rates in Japan and the U.S. are nearly equal even though firearms are virtually non-existent in Japan.

He then claims, "By this time tomorrow, 400 more Americans will suffer a shooting injury and another 1,100 will face a criminal with a gun as Kelly did. Within the hour, another 75 women will be raped as Kelly was."

I tried finding statistics for the above quote but could not find any data that supported his claim. What I did find was that Prof. Gary Kleck from the School of Criminology, Florida State University, discovered Americans use firearms to prevent crimes approximately 1 to 1.5 million times per year. These are the very cases De Becker ignored. Had De Becker considered these facts, he would have had to conclude a firearm in the home makes a family and a person safer.

Prof. Kleck also discovered that robbery victims who defended themselves with a gun suffered lower rates of injury than did those who resisted without a gun, or even those who did not resist at all and instead complied with the violent criminal's demands. In short, Prof. Kleck concluded the private ownership of firearms deters criminal behavior. (Source: "Crime Control Through the Private Use of Armed Force" by Gary Kleck

Here's another fabulous claim by De Becker." In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board and that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year.

Per Wikipedia, the Boeing 747 is commonly nicknamed the "Jumbo Jet and depending on layout can hold between 417 and 524 passengers. I did not include the flight crew. Let us do some math. 417 x 12=5004 and 524 x12=6288. Now according to De Becker 417 to 524 plus women are murdered each month by their intimates.

In 1996, approximately 1,800 murders in the US were attributed to intimates; nearly three out of four of these (1,326) had a female victim the rest were male victims! (Bureau of Justice Statistics) Now 1326 divided in 12 is 110.5. Not the 417 to 524 plus murders De Becker claims to occur monthly.

De Becker is alleged to be a security expert but I could not find anything on his training and experience as a 'security expert." What makes him a security expert? I found his bio on the Internet and it cites his awards but nothing on his background, training or expertise. I could only find that he now resides in Fiji with seven adopted children. I guess he's so scared that he left the United States. I would like to know how many hardened criminals the author has arrested,confronted or fought in his lifetime.

I was very disappointed that a highly regarded author and "security expert" distorted facts and failed miserably in citing any sources for his alleged facts in his book. What else did he distort in his book? He sets the reader up(especially women) to be in fear then offers his solution to the reader to rely on your "gift of fear" or your inner self or gut feelings. This book provides the reader with a false sense of security. If you want to protect yourself you better learn how to fight with and without a weapon.

In my opinion, this book is for the gullible and the fearful. It provides the reader with no alternative but to rely on the alleged gift of fear or intuition to protect you. Fear is not a gift and will get you killed. If you are in a state of fear, your body will shutdown and you will not be able to fight back. You should always know your surroundings and rely on common sense. You should also train your body and mind for physical combat. Seek out experts in firearms instruction and in the combat arts. Always fight back and never give up! Which martial art should you study? For the beginner, I would suggest the Israeli martial art of Krav Maga as it provides the student with a combat mindset.

Here's a true life story. In the early 1990's, I took a criminal report for a young female school teacher in which her former boyfriend threatened to kill her. She had obtained a restraining order against him but it did little to stop his ongoing verbal threats. Her boyfriend was arrested several times but was released within a few hours. This kept him away for a time but did not stop the verbal threats. She was very concerned that he was going to kill her and that nothing was going to stop him. She lived alone in a rural area and asked me if she should buy a handgun. I told her yes but only if she obtained firearms training. I introduced her to a fellow officer that worked weekends as a certified firearms instructor at a private range. She immediately received firearms training that weekend from that officer, purchased a handgun, and became very proficient with her handgun (women tend to be excellent shooters). About two months later, her boyfriend was back at her home armed with a knife, she grabbed her 9mm handgun and escaped through the rear door of her home. He broke into her home and went after her. He was about 50 yards away threatening to kill her when she took a defensive posture, pointed her handgun at him and told him to stop. He refused and ran towards her with the knife in his hand. In self defense, she fired about four shots at him and killed him. This was an unfortunate incident that the young lady had to go through but she used common sense and training to protect herself. She was not arrested and the local prosecutor determined that she acted in self-defense. She trained her body and mind for combat and it saved her life. I am glad that I had a very small part in saving that young lady's life. Remember: The Gift of FEAR=False Evidence Appears Real.

For those of us that believe in the Almighty God, here's a scripture to remember. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.) 2 Timothy 1:7

Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)

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Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)
Neil Websdale
Manufacturer: Sage Publications, Inc
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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Ordeal

Accessories:

ASIN: 0761908528
Release Date: 1997-11-11

Book Description

Addressing a significant void in the extant literature on the topic of domestic violence, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System presents a thorough and arresting look at the experiences of battered women in rural communities. While living in the rural areas of Kentucky, Neil Websdale conducted his ethnographic research, and he situated the voices of rural battered women at the center of his ethnography. He clearly demonstrates how rural patriarchy and the insidious "good ol’ boy network" of law enforcement and local politics sustain and reproduce the subordinate, vulnerable, isolated position of many rural women. Taking into account that traditional patterns of intervention can often put women in isolated communities at further risk, the author recommends a coordinated multiagency approach to rural battering that is spearheaded by state feminist agencies. The chapter on the difficulties of an educated male researcher working with rural battered women offers a definite methodological plus. Illuminating and accessible, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System makes a most important and timely contribution to the field.

An excellent training resource for anyone working with battered women, especially in rural areas, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System is highly recommended for law enforcement and criminal justice professionals, practitioners, advocates, shelter personnel, and advanced students in related courses of study, as well as academics and researchers.

Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing (Revised Edition)

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Offers Real Answers
Healing
Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing
A place for healing to begin
Living Proof

Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing (Revised Edition)
Joyce Meyer
Manufacturer: FaithWords
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 044669259X

Book Description

Bestselling author Joyce Meyer explores the true path to emotional healing through God's love. Many people seem to have it all together outwardly, but inside they are falling apart,crushed and wounded by their past. But God has a plan to heal the broken-hearted and the victims of abuse. For over 30 years, Joyce Meyersuffered the devastating effects of verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. Today, she has a worldwide ministry of emotional healing for others like herself. In BEAUTY FOR ASHES, she outlines the major truths that brought healing to her life and describes how other victims of abuse can also experience this healing, including how to deal with the emotional pain of abuse, how to understand your responsibility to God for overcoming abuse, why victims of abuse often suffer from other addictive behaviors, how to grab hold of God's unconditional love, and the importance of God's timing in working through painful memories. By sharing her personal story, Joyce Meyer wants to help others find inner peace through their belief in God.

Customer Reviews:

Offers Real Answers.......2007-08-08

Having been a victim of abuse Joyce is able to speak to others who have been abused on their level, not just from observation or education. She doesn't just leave the reader in the place of accepting that they have things they need to work through, but she leads them through the same steps she took by God's hand to receive that healing. I have used this book to lead a women's study group and have been wonderfully blessed to witness the changes that have come out of their applying these truths to their lives.

Healing .......2007-07-05

I have read the book twice and found it very refreshing. I got a new copy for a friend that was sexually abused.

Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing.......2007-05-17

This book is a benefit to anyone regardless of their history. Personally, I have had a emotional, trama filled life until God got a hold of me, but this book helps tie in God's Word an apply it to real life situations.

A place for healing to begin.......2007-05-10

Joyce tells her story in a manner that is bold, courageous, and transparent. She holds nothing back; both her strengths and her shortcomings are displayed on the pages of Beauty for Ashes. This book helped me take a good look at myself and to then focus on the nature and promises of God. It helped me at a time when I was very ill and had faced many losses. (Author, With Great Mercy.)

Living Proof.......2007-04-12

God brought this book into my life at just the right time. In reading this book I've finally been able to face the abuse of my past and start the road to recovery and healing. The Holy Spirit has moved in my life in an amazing way as a result of Joyce Meyer's teachings. I've been able to come to terms with horrible emotional pain and am experiencing the freedom of forgiveness towards myself and others. Through the wisdom I've gained I've already broken off a dysfunctional relationship and am growing stronger everyday in Christ. I now realize that my pain is my past and doesn't have to dictate my life now or in the future. I am free, I am whole, I am God's precious child and I am loved unconditionally by my Heavenly Father.

Joyce Meyer is offers very practical information. No fancy words or super spiritual mumbo jumbo that makes you feel like you can't apply these principles in your life. She makes sense, and she's been through it too.

I recommend this book for ANYONE who has endured any type of abuse: sexual, physical, emotional or verbal. Those memories, feelings and thoughts don't have to hold you in bondage any longer. Shame, guilt, rejection, sadness, depression, lonliness....you can allow the Holy Spirit to break these strongholds over your life.

I know...because I am living proof.

Breaking Free from Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked from Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships

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The first book that made sense of my "relationship"
The light in a very dark tunnel.
Making Sense of the Craziness!
Helpful to read her journal and love the cartoons
Content hit home

Breaking Free from Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked from Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships
Lynn Melville
Manufacturer: Melville Publications
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0976060035

Book Description

Through daily readings and affirmations, the reader is led into an inspirational, experiential journey as seen through the eyes of a partner to someone suffering with borderline personality disorder. Breaking Free from Boomerang Love progresses from the silent withdrawals to the exploding rages of the BPD, from the fearful, walking-on-eggshells to the ultimate healing and empowerment of the partner. The message is applicable to all relationships -- lovers, family members, friends and work associates. Breaking Free from Boomerang Love describes how the partner of the borderline personality disordered person repeatedly leaves the relationship, only to return to it, again and again, desperately trying to fix an illness they don't even know the name of -- and which only the BPD can fix, with professional mental health help. Many books have been written by mental health professionals about borderline personality disorder. Boomerang Love is the first ever written by a partner about the disorder and the experience of living with it.

Customer Reviews:

The first book that made sense of my "relationship".......2007-09-25

I got your book last night and read the whole thing straight through. I've read every self-help book I could get my hands on since meeting my boyfriend, and this is the first one that made any sense. Thank you so much!

The light in a very dark tunnel........2007-07-06

Living in the eye of a storm surrounded by chaos was my life for the past almost four years. When the engagement ended I didn't know what normal was anymore. Boomerang love is the calm after the storm. Lynns book helped me understand I wasn't alone. I found clarity to the confusion and sense of betrayal of a love I felt was real. It's the only book I have found that helps you as a survivor of a Borderline relationship find the tools needed to heal your soul. I would highly recommend this book to anyone recovering from an emotional or physically abusive relationship. It's my bible.

Making Sense of the Craziness!.......2007-04-10

I always thought he was just a "zero-to-sixty in 0.3 seconds" kind of guy! At first, I tried to believe the jealousy just proved he loved me. I thought all the bragging about his intellect, accomplishments, and possessions was just a cover-up for his insecurity. However, with the help of this book, I gained new insights into the phenomenon that lay at the root of all his behaviors. Melville writes in a learned yet easily accessible style, and practicality seems to be her muse. However, I found that the "Pot-Shot" illustrations, while acerbic and witty, detracted from rather than added to the value of this tome.

Helpful to read her journal and love the cartoons.......2007-01-12

This book is helpful in that it is like reading someone's journal as they process through the trials and tribulations of being in a romantic relationship with someone (and breaking free from that relationship) who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- but it is formatted like a daily meditation book. It is a different kind of book, but I found it to be validating of one's experience and comforting at the same time. I especially appreciate the captioned cartoons. Many of them are quite profound, as well as entertaining. I would recommend this book for anyone who is in or has been in a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD. It won't tell you directly how to repair any of the damage that has been done, but by reading the author's experiences/insights it will help point you in the direction of right thinking - and that is healing.

Content hit home.......2006-09-01

Currently divorcing a partner with BPD, and this book is a wonderful self help effort. I highly recommend it. It puts SO much into perspective.

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A chilling tale of children endangered by a mother with BPD
Well written
The Rules of Survival
Author of Returnable Girl
What are the Rules of Survial?

The Rules of Survival
Nancy Werlin
Manufacturer: Dial
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 0803730012

Book Description

It all starts when Matthew observes a heroic scene in a convenience store: A man named Murdoch puts himself between an abusive father and his son. Matt is determined to get to know this man. And when, amazingly, Murdoch begins dating Matt's mother, it seems as if life may become peaceful for the first time.

Matt and his sisters have never before known a moment of peace in a household ruled by their unpredictable, vicious mother. And so, after Murdoch inevitably breaks up with her and the short period of family calm is over, Matt sees that he needs to take action. He refuses to let his family remain at risk. Can he call upon his hero, Murdoch? And if not, what might his desperation lead him to do?

A thought-provoking exploration of self-reliance and the nature of evil and a heart-wrenching portrait of a family in crisis, this is Nancy Werlin's most compulsively readable novel yet.

Customer Reviews:

A chilling tale of children endangered by a mother with BPD.......2007-09-19

"Rules of Survival" by Nancy Werlin deserves all the high praise it has been getting from young and old alike. I loved it from the first page and couldn't put it down. How could I resist? This is such a compelling tale of psychological, emotional, and physical child abuse, and it is told so earnestly and believably from the eldest child's point of view. What makes this book is so devastatingly compelling is that the abuser is the children's mother.

I don't want to give away the plot, or spoil any part of this wonderful tale by telling you any critical details. It is enough to say that this book is well-written, thrilling, and fast-paced. The characters are extremely believable. There is no doubt that Nancy Werlin is a master storyteller.

But I do want to make one matter perfectly clear: yes, their mother is mentally ill, but please don't be mislead by other reviews to think that she is a bipolar (a modern term for manic-depressive illness) or psychotic. Perfectly normal-acting persons with bipolar illness surround all of us every day. This illness can be treated very successfully by medication. It would be wrong of you to think that Nikki's actions are those of person suffering from bipolar illness. And psychotic...well, if Nikki were psychotic she'd be a lot worse than what she is here in this novel, and true psychotics are a lot rarer. No, Nikki is one of those unfortunate persons with borderline personality disorder (BPD)...and they are more common. It is a term that sounds innocent enough, but it's as close to psychotic as you can get and still be seen by most folks as somewhat normal. It is an illness that cannot be cured by medication, and psychiatric talk-therapy has had little success with this biologically hard-wired condition.

Unfortunately, I know two people with borderline personality disorder: one I avoid completely because I can, and the other...well, that person I have to deal with fairly often. Neither is as bad as Nikki, but Nikki's problems are significantly exacerbated by lack of an unconditionally loving family to support her, alcohol abuse, major illegal drug abuse, and the stress of raising three small children entirely on her own.

If you love this book and want to know more about borderline personality disorder, check it out on the Internet. While you're at it, learn more about bipolar illness and psychosis, too.

This was my first Nancy Werlin book. I can hardly wait to read more. I love the fact that she deals with tantalizing topics at the fringe of the human condition...and she does it so well!

Well written.......2007-07-27

This book, although sad and almost too sad, is expertly written. The characters feel very real and the storyline is very good. I was very impressed with this book.

The Rules of Survival.......2007-05-18

I've read books about abuse before, but this one was pleasantly better than the others. The style was unique, being told in a "letter" form, and in the end most of the obvious questions were answered, but there are still some little things I am curious about. But it was wrapped up perfectly, and I only have to imagine certain things, and I'm glad that it ended the way it did.

Now enough about the ending. The book in general was great. I mean, it had dark moments and it had light moments and it was easy to sympathize with the characters, and so I would recommend this book to those who don't mind tough subjects.

Author of Returnable Girl.......2007-03-05

Nancy Werlin's brilliant tale will leave you on the edge of you seat. But more than just a thriller, it's a close-up look at many kids in today's society. I see them in my therapy office all the time, needing to raise themselves because of ineffective or inadequate parenting. Nancy's pacing and ability to truly capture the teenage voice are nothing sort of remarkable. Well done, Nancy. You deserve all the praise you've been getting for this book!!!

What are the Rules of Survial?.......2006-12-18

The Rules of Survival, a realistic-fiction book, is written by Nancy Werlin. Nancy Werlin's books have won many awards, including a National Book Award finalist citation and an Edgar award, for best young adult mystery books. Werlin always manages to combine realistic events with the suspense of a thriller in her writings, such as this book. In this book, Werlin uses realistic events to connect with the reader. Matt, the main character, has to take care of his two younger siblings, including a toddler. The book is written as a letter to Matt's youngest sibling, Emmy, who was too young to remember their horrific past with their mother. This book, that most teenagers can connect to, shows about being a teenager and the responsibilities that comes with having an abusive mother. They go through many bad experiences, including hunger and being homeless. I enjoyed reading this book, it helped me look at other's point of view on their life. It also helps me understand how lucky I am, and many others, to have loving parents. The plot, and the events that make up the plot make the reader keep the book and keeps the readers interest in the book. There are many themes in this book, such as Survival, Good and Evil, Self-determination, and the effect of fear on people. These themes fit this book because of the fear and determination that Matt comes in contact with. He always has the choice to give up, but he never does, no matter how scared he was. This book also shows a perfect example of good and evil. No matter how nice a person appears to be, they always have evil desires, and evil always has to pay. The genre fits this book perfectly. Another similar book in this genre, that relates to this book is, A Child Called "it", by Dave Pelzer. That book also deals with abuse in families and how the victims dealt with it. The writings of Werlin will always show people different points of view on life, and that is what makes her such a good writer.

Family Violence Across the Lifespan: An Introduction

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Family Violence Across the Lifespan: An Introduction
Ola W. Barnett , Cindy Miller-Perrin , and Robin Perrin
Manufacturer: Sage Publications, Inc
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0761927565

Book Description

Click 'Additional Materials' for downloadable sample chapters

"I think that the authors do a tremendous job of integrating findings from a very large body of research and presenting their analysis in a reader-friendly way. The text is particularly strong in orienting the reader to the research issues, including the current state of knowledge in the area. I have found the text to be very well done and extremely useful in providing students with an introduction to the very broad field of family violence. I have recommended the text to colleagues and students. I applaud the authors for this work and thank them for creating such a comprehensive text."
--Diane Hiebert-Murphy, Faculty of Social Work, University of Manitoba

"This book includes an impressive overview of different types of violence and organizes a large amount of research material to make it accessible to the upper-level undergraduate. Students will easily follow the organization of topics, themes, and questions, and long chapters include several intermediary summaries, which is good.”
--Jean Giles-Sims, Texas Christian University

A thoroughly updated and expanded new edition of the bestseller, Family Violence Across the Lifespan, Second Edition helps students achieve a deeper understanding of the methodology, etiology, prevalence, treatment, and prevention of family violence. Research from experts in the fields of psychology, sociology, criminology, and social welfare is woven together to provide broad coverage of current viewpoints and debates within the field of domestic violence study. Practice and policy considerations provide new and welcome perspectives, and in addition, informal interviews with leading authorities in the field of violence add depth and clarity to the topics. Organized chronologically, chapters cover child physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; courtship violence and date rape; spouse abuse, battered women, and batterers; and elder abuse.

Key Features

* Boxed inserts focusing on current controversies
* Case studies bring the focus from research and societal analysis down to the individual
* Intermediate chapter summaries provide students a concise synopsis of research-based discussions
* Interviews with experts provide students a glimpse of the variety of research interests, philosophies, and training typical of many of the professionals working in the field
* Discussion questions at the end of each chapter

New to This Edition

* A comprehensive glossary of key terms used in the field
* End-of-chapter sections on social policy and practice issues
* New chapters entitled Child Maltreatment (Chapter 6), Key Issues in the Field of Child Maltreatment (Chapter 7), and What Can I Do to Help? (Chapter 13)
* A new section on the abuse of disabled persons
* Greatly expanded coverage on intimate violence between same sex or unwed partners, along with cross-cultural considerations
* Additional materials available on the Web

Family Violence Across the Lifespan, Second Edition offers a comprehensive and accessibly written introduction that is ideal for use in undergraduate and master's level courses in family violence, domestic violence, and abuse offered in departments of sociology, psychology, social work, counseling, and criminal justice.

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

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Balanced Picture of Domestic Violence on Both Sides
A crisis too long ignored
An inspiring healing book
Open your eyes and look at the entire picture of abuse.
Intimate Violence: The Case of Abused Men

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Philip W. Cook
Manufacturer: Praeger Trade
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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Accessories:

ASIN: 0275958620

Book Description

When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already praised by a diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female. Cook begins by examining the common misconceptions about this social issue and offers a wealth of what will be new information for most readers. While statistics show that 1.8 million American women are severely assaulted by their mates each year, few know that the same source indicates that 2 million men are also assaulted at home. After laying the groundwork for a serious reconsideration of how society views domestic violence, Cook allows a number of abused men to tell their stories. He then puts these experiences in the context of what therapists and others who have worked with such men know about domestic violence and how the male victim is similar to, yet different from, his female counterpart. After examining the reasons why so little is known about male abuse and the difficulties researchers encounter, Cook shows how the abused man, his friends and family, and the abusive or abused woman can come to grips with domestic violence. Drawing from a variety of sources, the final chapter brings these diverse elements together and proposes practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female.

Customer Reviews:

Balanced Picture of Domestic Violence on Both Sides.......2005-09-18

Author Phil Cook does and excellent job of documenting and presenting a logical case that Abused Men (and fathers and their children) by women is very real, large as life, often denied and usually very "hidden" - the proverbial elephant in your back yard. If you ignore and deny it, it won't matter, or "doesn't exist."

An extra pat on the back for the author on making his case for abused men while not discounting the seriousness of domestic violence (DV) against women, and without exaggerating the real amount of violence on either side. It would be fool-hardy to do the opposite, as many authors do, exposing their ignorance, bias, prejudice and even their own abusiveness to the victims of these sensitive issues, where revictimization often comes at the hands of "well-meaning" authors and officials. Though this book is 8 years old it is still very applicable today, as is the excellent and fairly well balanced 25 year old book, "Behind Closed Doors, Domestic Violence in the American Family," quoted by the author.

Had "Abused Men" been written today more could have been included to support the fact that male victims are beyond all doubt no less commonly (and severely) victimized as female victims, despite mis-drawn but often quoted conclusions from some not-so-balanced studies. Examples: The Department of Justice (DOJ) stats which the author quotes from the early 90's have since risen dramatically for male victims, as the eyes of some victim advocates are just starting to open. DOJ stats now concede that men comprise about 35% to 40% of all DV victims (a far shot from the then 8-15%), but closing the reality gap bit by bit. Most balanced and extensive studies reveal that younger women are up to twice as violent as younger men. Yes, this is the college- age crowd, from which come the very women who scream the loudest, but only about violence against women. Since publication of "Abused Men" even reluctant DHHS (Dept of Health and Human Svcs - along with Div of Child and Family Svcs/Child Protective Svcs) compiled stats showing that most DV against children is by biological moms (62%) while just 25% is by biological dads. One official from DHHS confirmed the validity of this report but wanted to explain that it was due to moms spending more time with the kids, and that most of it was from single moms who get little support from the absent fathers and are stressed out... So fathers really are important in decreasing child abuse and neglect, according this contradictory social worker who had earlier discounted the importance of fathers and showed her disdain for fathers (abuser suspects in her book) and belief that mothers were superior and the best single alternative for children... I asked her if her office didn't back the anti-DV mantra, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!" used by women's shelters and women's support agencies and groups her office associated with (Was she excusing, justifying abuse by women?). My observations were met with passive-aggressive rage. Studies now show that women as a whole gender are more often aggressive initiators, initiating about 62% of all physical DV, including events where the woman gets the worst of it in the end. A hospital ER study conducted in 2004 (inspired by another biased study that only questioned women...) revealed that the men (given the same questions as a women-only study) had received more injuries of a serious nature from their female intimates than the other way around. The list goes on...

As the author and others he quotes wisely point out, the reason police, DOJ and hospital reports of abused men is climbing (but not up to par yet) is not that women are becoming more and more violent, but only that violence BY women was ignored more in the past. Men are still told by many ER doctors that getting beat up is his own fault, while proper reports are not filed and police are not notified. What happened to their mantra they tell female victims in the same ER, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!"? This is why the male ER study was very different than most ER stats on DV against men vs DV against women - the male patients in the study were actually allowed input which was reported on rather than the bias of doctors and nurses being the only report heard. Perhaps male doctors, police, judges etc are the most critical of male victims for daring to break the silence and not "take it like a man," thus another reason male victims often stay silent, except in balanced studies. You speak up, you get revictimized.

Thanks, Phil Cook, for showing that proper studies can be presented in a balanced way.

A crisis too long ignored.......2005-05-07

Society has come a long way, baby, in recognizing WOMEN'S domestic violence but has completely overlooked the plight of abused HUSBANDS. Where are THEIR shelters? Their support groups?

We still have the tendency to blow off abused men as "henpecked husbands" when the reality is far more critical and has already resulted in tragedy. Thank you, Mr. Cook, for bringing this issue into the light of day. Hopefully men will start coming out of the shadows and filing charges against their abusers so that everyone will see what they already know: THEY ARE VICTIMS. Domestic Violence is exactly that, and the victims' sex organs are irrelevant

An inspiring healing book.......2004-12-09

First I must address several grievous mistake in the review written by Detroit velvet. 1. This individual states that it is wrong to say more men than women are abused. That is grossly incorrect. Sociologists and scientists all over have stated time and again that indeed more men than women are abused. 2. This individual further implies that ALL MEN lie about being abused, while it is true that some men are abusive it is ludicrous to make the blanket statement that all men are abusive, thereby liars when caught claiming victimhood. What utter nonsense!
Detroit velvet is in dire need of a reality check. If the men who are abusive can lie claiming abuse then why is it so impossible to assume that women who claim abuse may in turn be lying and in fact are the abuser?
I have to wonder how many women have physically, and mentally abused their male partners then when the partner left claimed the role of the victim instead.
Men don't tell because they face monumental obstructions by authorities and peers. Mentalities such as 'men love it' or 'you deserved it' or 'you're lying' or 'you're such a whimp, suck it up'.

I was kid and had a girl friend who beat and belittled me then would come back claiming she was sorry and loved me so I took her back, time and again finally I had enough and left. She claimed abuse. I NEVER HIT A WOMAN IN MY LIFE - EVER!
Later I had another girl friend while not a hitter was very verbally abusive, after having enough I left, and then another and another, all angry and some hitters.
Then I met my wife, who was very much a hitter, and extremely emotionally abusive. Again I never raised a hand to her or any woman. After eleven years (and two children) of trying to make it work, hoping she would change, I couldn't take the depression and the abuse any more, I left. I have been in counseling since and trying to break the cycle of picking the SAME WOMAN over and over again.
This book is a real help and acknowledgement to those of us who to varying degrees have lived though abuse. I wish our anti male prejudiced media and society treated this abuse with equal concern and diligence as they do abused women and children.

Just a couple after notes here.
1. With all the press over abuse why is this segment so blatantly ignored?

2. If a man is bitter and prejudiced against women he is a chauvinist pig and a mental and social caveman. What then is a society that views a gender such as men the Detroit velvet and other like this individual, view them? Wow! Talk about hypocrisy!

Open your eyes and look at the entire picture of abuse........2003-12-27

Sorry to all the feminist apologists out there, but men *are* abused by their female lovers, and rarely do they defend themselves - because the odds are so incredibly stacked against them. A woman can always claim that her abuse was in self-defense, and 99 times out of 100 she will be believed, no question. And where exactly is a battered man to go? There is exactly one shelter for abused men, and it's targeted to gay men, and it's in San Francisco. I guess if your wife is battering you in Virginia, you're SOL.

I loathe the hypocrisy of the feminists who refuse to believe that women are capable of bad things - and when we do commit grievous bodily harm, assault, rape, or murder, it's not our fault. No, it's the husband, or the father, or the police, or someone (anyone) else. This book is one of the few that breaks the myth that women are the sole victims of domestic violence.

Intimate Violence: The Case of Abused Men.......2003-04-26

Philip Cook's Abused Men is well conceived, well documented, and well written; it is an excellent source book for both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence as well as for police officers, community leaders, health care providers, family therapists, crisis-line workers, and other helping professionals. Another positive aspect of this book is Cook's ability to make research findings on male abuse and its consequences accessible and understandable for readers new to the field of domestic violence. The book can serve as an eye opener about the factions, disagreements, and controversy that are part of the issue of domestic violence.

Book Description

Part I of the book is the powerful true story of a young Florida girl's death from abuse at the hands of her mother's boyfriend, with the acquiescence of the mother. It is an intimate picture of this tragedy, largely told from the perspective of the child.

Part II was extensively updated and revised in 2002. It is a comprehensive but concise guide to understanding and confronting child abuse and neglect, domestic violence, and dating violence. It has concrete advice for parents and young people on building healthy relationships.

Readers are often deeply moved and motivated by this book. It enjoys a great popularity with young people and is highly valued by many educators and professional trainers.

Customer Reviews:

the most important little book you will ever read.......2007-08-22

I'm in the Navy. I'm 32 years old with a 3-year-old girl. I think I read this book about a year ago and it touches me every day. I think about it all the time. I picture Ursula, I pray for her, I pray to God she's with him. I look at my little girl with her long, blond locks and think that in around two years she will be Ursula's age. It breaks my heart to know she is learning the alphabet as Ursula did. It causes me to cringe deep down to imagine such an innocent, lovely creature such as a small child would endure torture at the hands of those she was supposed to be loved by and who should have cared for her. The truth is that I finished it in spurts, crying and yelling at the bathroom ceiling when my husband was at work and my daughter at preschool, the only time I could find to devote to little Ursula's story. I see her picture in my mind's eye. I have a BS in Business Admin, and not in Social Work, but I hope to retire from the military someday and find my place in the world helping children instead of residing in the business world, as I had previously planned. I owe it to Ursula, and I owe it to my little girl so I can help her see that people should care for each other and try to make a difference.

How can you read this book and NOT feel compelled to help a child who is suffering...? Children can't protect themselves. Even as strict as our laws are, we need them to address, above all, crimes against children as the most heinous of our society. Protection of all children should be our #1 priority. It's the only way to make our future bright.

It's a book I'll never forget. Very emotional, but needs to be said.......2007-03-15

I grew up and still live in Central Florida and when this book came out, it was required reading in high school. I will never forget how the book made me feel. It's a very hard book to read and has many emotions all wrapped up into such a small package. I highly recommend this book. It's basically the authors recreating the last days of this little girls life.

horrible tragedy that could have been prevented.......2006-11-06

This book is the true story of a woman who allowed a live in boyfriend to abuse her child - to death. It shows also how many people the child tried to reach out to (next door neighbors) and how many people witnessed her suffering (doctors, teachers) and did not do anything. It is a horrifying account of a man's desire to control a child's behavior through evil and dehumanizing tactics. Children need to be understood. It is wrong to expect behaviors from children beyond their years, comprehension, abilities. This little girl was a normal child with normal behaviors, and unfortunately her mom chose someone to be with that was unable and unwilling to cope with having a little girl around. It is tragic. Please read it.

Unbelievable.......2006-09-28

I read this book and it took me about a week!! Why??? Because everytime I started to read it the tears just started flowing! It is unthinkable what this poor child went through. I cannot even imagine what the mother was thinking or should I say "monster" because she is by NO means a mother! I can just feel for this little girl, she was so wanting to please her monster to no avail. Right up to the end thats all she wanted to do. HOW can people do THIS??? There is barely a day when I don't think about Ursula and wish SOMEONE had done SOMETHING to stop this! To me it's ridiculous how people can just ignore it or not see it. This world just gets worse day by day. For you URSULA I say the world is cruel. I love you!

Cried Tears For This Baby Girl.......................2006-06-13

I just received this book in the mail today and could not stop reading it until I was done. I cried from the beginning til the end. This beautiful little girl,Ursula was beaten to death. I pictured all the abuse Ursula went through as I looked at her face on the back cover from time to time as I read. I was crying so hard for the pain that Ursula was going through my husband came into the room. The severity of the abuse Ursula suffered, no little girl should have to endure. The most heart-breaking part of the book is the comments and cries out for help to Ursula's mother in her weakened little voice. This book is definitely not for young readers. What these people did to this sweet loving little girl and no one saw the signs. No one helped her. Why didn't the teacher, neighbors, co-workers or friends see her malnourished, beaten and slumped over body? She cried out for help and no one heard her cries or they did and ignored them. That's all Ursula wanted was to be loved and taken care of by her mother. Instead every day she left Ursula with a monster and did nothing to stop him when she came home. Eventually she even joins in at the instruction of her boyfriend. When Ursula died they threw her away and erased all traces of her like she never existed. I shed more tears in the time it took me to read Ursula's story than her mother did when she died. She had every chance to help that little girl and sat idly by. I recommend this book to everyone with a child. I recommend this book to everyone without a child. Recognize the signs and get involved. Save these kinds of children from going through this pain. I will hug my kids a little more and a little tighter after having read this tragic story of a little girl named Ursula Sunshine Assaid.

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