Average customer rating:
- If you can't "run for the hills"
- Why is it always about you?
- A lifesaver!
- Echoing the concerns of other reviewers...
- EXCELLENT book, especially for anyone going into Social Work
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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Sandy Hotchkiss
Manufacturer: Free Press
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
 Interpersonal Relations
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ASIN: 0743214285 |
Book Description
In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation.
Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.
Customer Reviews:
If you can't "run for the hills".......2007-09-20
Great advice to run from a narcissist, especially when the person is someone you CAN leave. But there are relationships where it might not be possible to run (or running may have consequences you don't want to take on):
-- The narcissist is your graduate school advisor or department chair; running would mean you lose or postpone your degree;
-- The narcissist is a family member -- maybe your only surviving parent or sibling;
-- The narcissist is your CHILD (how does a mother or father run from their child?);
-- Your heritage and cultural background does not support you running from extended family members (like in-laws, parents, siblings), but really expects you to continue supporting them, even at your own expense.
I'm sure there are other situations where running isn't advisable or acceptable to the person dealing with a narcissist. This book is helpful for those people to first understand the monster, and more importantly to get a handle on their own boundaries.
Why is it always about you?.......2007-09-14
"Why is it always about you" is about recognizing the narcissism in yourself and coping with the narcissism in others. The book is not just about Narcissistic Personality Disorder which, the author says, is rare, but rather about that fact that we all have varying degrees of narcissism ranging from healthy tendencies to malignant mental illness.
I am unconvinced by the author's psychoanalytic theories regarding child development but some of the more practical advice on coping may be helpful. The last section, "Only you can prevent narcissism" is about how moral relativism, the misguided self-esteem movement, and certain parental attitudes have largely contributed to the raging feelings of entitlement so pervasive in this narcissistic society in which we live. This section alone is worth the price of the book.
A lifesaver!.......2007-08-23
I bought this book to help me with issues with my father and sister. What a lifesaver! I'm really not crazy! That's what narcissistic people can make you feel when they are "shame dumping." It gives me a sense of peace and empowerment having put a label on their behavior. I feel like I now have the tools and knowledge to protect myself. I'm recommending the book to many people I know!
Echoing the concerns of other reviewers..........2007-08-14
In my humble opinion, as someone who has done a good deal of reading on NPD and psychology in general, this book:
Is not a good jumping-off point for anyone interested in NPD, as it does not establish how to differentiate between a person high in self-interest and a truly disordered personality.
Is a little light on citations of scientific studies and instead reads more like pop-psych.
Includes a referendum on Western culture which is not truly constructive or educational.
EXCELLENT book, especially for anyone going into Social Work.......2007-08-11
This book was excellent. Informative, well-organized, easy to read, and thorough in it's presentation of Narcissicism at various levels, including narcissisim in teens, the elderly, parents, and in the work place. It also discusses societal implications and how the U.S. perpetuates narcissistic qualities. I highly recommend this book for anyone going into the social work field, particularly those who specialize in addiction. This book will not only help you to recognize the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in clients, but it will give you the tools needed to cope with narcissistic behavior in your personal life. Highly recommend.
Book Description
With a new chapter and study guide questions, this expanded edition presents readers with what it means to live as Jesus would on a day-to-day basis--one filled with new meaning, hope, change, and a joyous, growing closeness to Christ.
Customer Reviews:
simple and uncompromised view on spiritual disciplines.......2007-10-05
This book is an every day, simple and uncompromised view on spiritual disciplines. I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking to grow in their relationship with Lord. Rev. Ortberg uses his signature style of simple, easy to understand language with a twist of humor to help the reader understand how to become "transformed" into the likeness of Christ.
The Life You've Always Wanted.......2007-03-10
Ortberg helps the reader see that spiritual disciplines are the pathway to joy. The disciplines are not the goal of a disciple but the path to experiencing a life in Christ that exudes real joy and transformation. This is a great read for ministry leaders or followers of Christ who want to invigorate their fellowship with Christ.
Ortberg does it again.......2007-03-09
This book is excellent. It is well written, challenging, and provocative. Just when the reader thinks John has written a chapter to top all previous ones, the next one is better. This is the best book we have done on spiritual growth in our Men's Den Sunday School Class. We previously read IF YOU WANT TO WALK ON WATER YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT
Another solid work by Ortberg..........2007-02-03
Having now read several of John Ortberg's books, I'm starting to get a feel for his style. His ability to tell an engaging story is unparalleled, and his books are always engaging and easy to read. "The Life You've Always Wanted" fits neatly into that pattern.
Because the topic of "The Life You've Always Wanted" is some of the traditional Christian spiritual disciplines, it draws natural comparisons to Richard Foster's "Celebration of Discipline." On some level, it might be fair to consider Ortberg's book to be "An Idiot's Guide to Richard Foster," and I'm not sure that Ortberg would necessarily mind that classification. Of course, the spiritual disciplines aren't for idiots, and I don't want to imply that Ortberg writes on a superficial level. However, he has obviously made the decision to write a book that is, quite frankly, more accessible if somewhat less exhaustive than Foster's classic. As such, Ortberg has added a nice addition to the spiritual disciplines library.
I would happily recommend this book to anyone interested in getting a taste for spiritual disciplines. Though it's easy to suggest that Ortberg omitted some essential disciplines, it seems as if comprehensiveness was never his intention. Instead, he appears to have wanted to write something that anyone could read and understand and apply, and he has accomplished that goal. Though I'd recommend Foster as a next step, this is a great place for any would-be Christ-follower to start!!
A Modern Classic that Enlightens while Equipping.......2007-01-05
First and foremost, this book is an amazing read that anyone who desires a more genuine relationship with Christ must have, period. Ortberg is one of the best communicators when it comes to revealing the potency of spiritual disciplines or discipleship activities and why they can help us so much.
This book is very well written and has a surprisingly nice flow from chapter to chapter despite the book being broken up into segmented sermons, more or less (which is by no means a bad thing).
You can certainly see how Dallas Willard has influenced Ortberg's ideas and communication styles (especially Willard's "The Spirit of the Disciplines" and "The Divine Conspiracy").
The best part of the book is the fact that it is easily and readily applicable to your every-day life.
Much like J.G. Marking's, "A Voice Is Calling" (who cites Ortberg a few times), this book's entire goal is to equip you to authentically and passionately pursue God with a revitalized perspective on discipleship and an enlightened sense of one's relationship with Christ.
One of the best books I've ever read and a book that changed my life.
Customer Reviews:
Summer Reading for Teachers (or Weekend Reading, If Summer's Over!).......2007-07-12
Just out in 2006, Rick Wormeli's FAIR ISN'T ALWAYS EQUAL has the latest research on teaching (especially middle and high school) pulled together nicely in one 200-page package. For me, a lot of it was necessary review and reaffirmation of differentiated instruction, standards-based instruction, and various strategies I've read about but haven't gotten around to using. For beginning teachers or veteran teachers whose schools are converting to the standards-based and/or differentiated instruction mode of instructing, it is a terrific primer and source of discussion.
That's all well and good (and a terrific learning tool for teachers), but what really appeals is how Wormeli wades into some hot-button topics like grading (he calls it the "elephant in the room" we don't want to discuss). In addition to issues of assessment, fairness, and mastery teaching, Wormeli brings up whether or not we should grade participation, effort, behavior, and attendance. My school has been debating this very topic of late, and Wormeli not only provides both points of view, he dives into the debate fearlessly by taking a stand and giving a well-reasoned defense of his view.
In addition, there's loads of practical stuff on how to teach students of various abilities, how to keep a grade book, how to structure report cards, and how to create fair tests.
This would be a great professional reading "book group" choice for teachers to read, annotate, then discuss. As it uses the "See Inside" feature here at amazon, I recommend you check out the Table of Contents for a look at what's inside. It won't disappoint.
Teachers: Read This!.......2007-05-12
This is a good read for all teachers. It will make you think as well as give strategies for differentiating.
The Assessment Bible.......2007-03-31
Wormeli provides guidlelines which should be adopted by all educators and schools as the gold standards for assessment. He is practical with his suggestions and shares wisdom from many educators on a wide variety of assessment topics. This book should be on every educator's desk.
Differentiation and grading.......2007-01-04
Excellent book. This book covers alot of different perspectives on how to "grade" or evaluate student progress. I recommend it.
Book Description
No one knows grammar like Michael Strumpf. For over a quarter of a century, as creator and proprietor of the National Grammar Hot Line, he helped thousands of callers from every corner of the globe tackle the thorniest issues of English grammar. Now, in The Grammar Bible, he has created an eminently useful guide to better speaking and writing. Unlike other grammar manuals, The Grammar Bible is driven by the actual questions Professor Strumpf encountered during his years of teaching and fielding phone calls from anxious writers, conscientious students, and perplexed editors, including such perennial quandaries as - Where do I put this comma? - What case should this pronoun be in? - How do I form the possessive of Dickens? Professor Strumpf explains these and other language issues with wit and wisdom, showing how to speak more clearly and write more impressively by avoiding common errors and following the principles of good grammar. Whether you need a comprehensive review of the subjunctive mood or simply want to know which form of a verb to use, The Grammar Bible is a practical guide that will enlighten, educate, and entertain.
Customer Reviews:
Burn it for warmth in cold winter night.......2007-08-19
Before buying it I've read all the reviews and they all gave it 4 or 5 stars. The author's credentials also seem to back up these reviews. After going through the chapers I then realized that it's specifically designed for people whose educational level is below or at that of GED, such as middle and high school dropouts. As another reviewer mentioned, it works for ESL students as well. It amazes me that they can't be honest on what audience they're trying to target, but instead using the misleading name like Grammar Bible, and even in the description on the back cover they claim it's everything anyone would ever need to understand English grammar; how arrogant and narrow-minded is that? This is an insult to people's intelligence and bordering on being a scam.
A real letdown.......2007-07-17
The name "Bible" is misleading; it should be "Basics" instead. An ESL student might find this book helpful, but overall too shallow and elementary. At least teachers and writers don't need this.
Great reference book for anyone who wants to get it right........2007-07-03
This book is an excellent reference resource. It is not necessarily a book you should buy to read like a novel. The explanations and examples are clear and detailed. Buy this book for your son/daughter who might be starting high school or college. Do not buy this book if you think you already know everything there is to know about grammar. Otherwise, you will just end up finding some egotistical way to "put down" the book and its intended audience.
Very basic and indicative of the ignorance that plagues the United States.......2007-05-17
Based on the reviews, I opted to purchase this book. I wish to embark on a possible freelance writing career and I need all the help I can get. I have purchased several books to improve my skills and on the list was a decent reference relating to grammar.
I was excited when this along with several other books arrived. I thumbed through several pages and I said out loud: It must get better than this! I have to say of the 512 pages I found maybe a dozen that were useful. The beginning of the book talks about the classification of nouns of all things. I am sorry but if you over the age of eight and don't know the difference between a proper noun and a common noun, you may as well give it up now.
Further, the authors devote a large section to verb agreement. Once again, this is something you should have mastered prior to reaching junior high.
I am by no means an expert in correct grammar usage hence my desire to purchase a book to help me out. My search will go on as I am promptly returning this to Amazon and will most likely buy "A Comprehensive Grammar of the English Language" by Sidney Greenbaum.
wonderful.......2007-03-08
This is a very good book for grammar. It is very user friendly.
Book Description
What do children hope to create when they put pencil to paper? An accurate likeness of the things they see, of course. With this imaginative, informative, and amply-illustrated guide to drawing, it's amazingly easy for kids to make those art dreams come true. After a brief overview of tools and materials, the entertaining hands-on activities begin with contour drawing techniques. With the help of lots of exercises, budding artists will learn the basic elements of shapes (lines, dots, circles) and see how to combine them to make familiar forms. They'll find out how to produce the illusion of volume with shading techniques; create perspective; accurately recreate landscapes, people, animals, and nature; develop interesting compositions; and more.
Customer Reviews:
Excellent beginning book!.......2007-07-30
This book is excellent for the beginning art teacher and drawing student. I am basing a lot of my curriculum on ideas inspired by this book in my upcoming school year. It takes your thoroughly through each step/stage of learning to draw so that anyone can master it! Great illustrations and ideas are perfectly fit onto each page, without annoying "materpieces" that you don't think possible. By the end, you will be drawing with the best of them-- and students will too!
A good start for teenagers.......2007-03-14
The book has enough explanations for those children that want to learn basics of drawing on themselves.
Excellent Drawing Book.......2007-01-17
I purchased this for my 10 year old granddaughter. She loves it. She says it has all different subjects to draw and gives step by step how to.
Wow.......2007-01-12
I teach art classes and was thrilled with this book. It is well written and will have a special place in my library. I refer to it weekly.
Very good but for child serious about drawing.......2007-01-12
I got this book at the library for my 10 year old daughter to see if she would like if before purchasing it. She is talented and comes from artists on her father's side, but had a bad experience with her first Art teacher in a school setting. I was looking for something to spark her confidence and keep her interest high in at least independant and self explorative instruction for now.
She loved the book immediately. Because she had some formal class instruction this year she was able to recognize some of the exercises that she was required to do in class, so that background exposure helped her "get" this book right away. This is a great fundementals darwing book for kids, but it is an exersice with a you can do it attitude book which is what I wanted for my daughter at this time. Something she could read for herself, interpret for herself and try her own way and see what she gets without someone else trying to shape her ideas for her.
The book's attractively layed out for my 10 year old, but I think she will work with this slowly here and there at her own pace, and probably come back to it even more when she's older too. there are some drawing projects but they are not as extensive as the fundimental practices area.
For this reason I also bought her Lee Hammond's series on drawing life like animals for more go right to it and start drawing projects. She is spending more time with that now and I expect as she gets more and more into drawing she'll come back and forth to the therory and the practical fun stuff.
For a child who just wants to draw cool looking picts fast, you might be better off with the lee Ames draw 50 series. My 8 year old son loves these draw or trace books as what he produces looks great with no theory just draw.
Average customer rating:
- Excellent application of the MBTI to relationship dynamics
- Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type
- Helps you understand all relationships, not just romantic
- Matches Every Type w/Every Other Type - Unique & Well Done!
- The best dating guide, divorce prevention, self-help book!
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Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type
Paul D. Tieger , and
Barbara Barron-Tieger
Manufacturer: Little, Brown and Company
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
Interpersonal Relations
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ASIN: 0316845698 |
Book Description
Are men and women from different planets, or is it Personality Type, not gender, that rules the way they relate? The foremost experts in Personality Type, Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger provide fresh insight into the mysteries of love. Drawing from years of experience as well as groundbreaking research, the authors offer an individualized approach to improving your love life: they help you figure out which of the 16 personality types best describes you and your partner; reveal the rewards and frustrations of your type combination; identify the essential aspects of a good relationship for each type; provide the best advice about communicating with your mate, and much more.
Customer Reviews:
Excellent application of the MBTI to relationship dynamics.......2006-06-06
Despite its somewhat maudlin title and front cover, this book is very interesting. It based on Jungian MBTI theory which in my view is a very powerful tool for understanding people's personality. The book itself is not theoretical: it gives a brief description of the 16 types and then there is a couple of pages for each of the 136 possible combinations. Much has been printed about the MBTI, but this one has a very interesting practical approach. For each combination, you find a paragraph on the strengths, a paragraph on the weaknesses, and a short list of key recommendations for each partner. Even if you know everything about Jungian psychology you can still discover some new insights on personality relationships. For the anecdote, my INTJ recommendation list (with my ESFJ wife) is a pretty goood summary of everything I do wrong at home !
Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type.......2005-07-12
This is a very easy to read book that is broken down into logical and useful sections. It is also a lot of fun.
Helps you understand all relationships, not just romantic.......2003-02-27
If you are into understanding yourself and your relationships with others, you will love this guide.
After decoding myself (ISTP), I decoded everyone I know well, and it helped me to understand how and why each of my relationships differ. I shared the book with my ESTP boyfriend and we laughed so hard we nearly cried, because the book described our relationship SO EXACTLY it was scary.
We all communicate and make decisions differently. This book explains how YOUR type and THEIR type interact, and how to avoid common pitfalls. It's not only helpful, but very eye-opening and fun.
Matches Every Type w/Every Other Type - Unique & Well Done!.......2003-02-08
I'm a huge MBTI nut, and I've read about MBTI book out there, including those from Britain, etc! This book is truly unique b/c it matches every type w/every other type, to show you the joys, pitfalls, and helpful suggestions. What should an ENTJ know about his/her INFP spouse? This book has very specific and personalized answers.
The best thing is, this isn't just a gimmick. It's VERY well done. The insights are superb and will tell you something new about not only your romantic relationships, but other important relationships as well.
My spouse & I have a wonderful relationship - over 10 years of wedded bliss - and we've also done a ton of Myers-Briggs analysis together. So I was shocked and delighted when my spouse read the piece comparing our types - and said, Hey, there are several things in here I want you to read! There were indeed "hints" that I needed to take to heart, things I never would have guessed but that did truly come from our type interaction.
The best dating guide, divorce prevention, self-help book!.......2002-10-31
First, it's important to know I have been a believer in the validity of the personality test upon which this book is based ... from my own experience in the 15 years since I first took the test as required for one of my science major classes in college, and because the test has a good reputation among professionals. The more people I persuade to take this test, the more impressed I am with the accuracy and validity of the test and the accuracy of several other books based upon the test. That's important information because this book can be no more accurate than the personality test upon which it is based. Secondly, the authors are internationally recognized experts in the application of the test results.
Having established that, in my opinion this particular book is more valuable than any of the other books I own based on that personality test because it presents the various personaly types in a more practical manner: exactly how each of the other types is compatible or incompatible with you, and specifically how to interact with each of the other types in order to minimize conflicts. I'm well into my second marriage now and am astounded by how accurately the good aspects and areas of conflict for both marriages were pinpointed in this book ...same goes for every other intimate relationship in my life where I knew the others' type .... it's like the book was written about me, for me! This book is priceless for those of you in the dating scene screening for Mr or Ms "Right for you" and not wanting to waste any time getting to the altar. Or if you think you're in love but are afraid it won't last, wondering what marriage to them would be like since 50% of marriages these days end in divorce. Or for those already married who want to strengthen their relationship and reduce conflicts .... it couldn't be spelled out more clearly and concisely exactly how to go about it for your individual relationship. This book helped me to get the clearest perspective on how others see me...to see the truth of how each relationship is more than just the sum of it's parts or partners, but that two individuals each effect how the other is in the relationship,... and taught me specifically how I can adapt for each of the various individuals in my life that I'd like to get along with better. More than any other book I've read about relationships, (and that's LOTS of books)this book gives pertinent advice tailored specifically for you and each one of your individual relationships. Other books speak generically to the masses based on "the majority" of people researched. My personality type is less than 1% of the population, yet this book still has a lot of accurate information and specific advice relevant to my individual needs. I think this book is the best money I ever spent and my praise doesn't get any better than that! I can see why the authors are internationally recognized experts in the application of this personality test.
Book Description
For anyone who needs a little help finding love, this book is the ultimate dating makeover kit!
The line at Starbucks. The movies. The Internet. Even the dry cleaners... there are dozens of opportunites to seize the date, but millions of lonely singles pass them by!
David Wygant shows readers just how easy it can be to overcome fear and meet new people in their daily routines. David explains the three simple steps to getting a date with ease: being prepared, being aware, and making contact.
Always Talk to Strangers breaks away from pop psychology, gimmicks, and rules to offer concrete information on how single people actually meet--and successfully date--other singles. No mind games, cheap tricks, or corny pickup lines here. Just common sense, and specific information on:
- Where to go to meet people, and when
- Why bars and clubs are the worst places to get a date
- Overcoming fear and negative thinking
- Using props to start a natural conversation
- Making a great first impression
- Spotting opportunity--and going for it!
Customer Reviews:
Common sense? Of course. Should you pick this book up? Absolutely........2007-02-25
It always baffles me as to the complaints about dating books. Did anyone really think there was that one book that would open up the clouds with profound dating revelations? Yes, this is coming from someone that "surprisingly" isn't the author of the book or a planted review.
At any rate, Wygant's book isn't ground-breaking and that's the prime reason for the four star rating. However, for the remaining stars left, Wygant's book packs as much useful dating advice than most books out there. Always Talk to Strangers provides much common sense such as dressing well, smiling, and not being afraid to talk to people. However, it's the way Wygant goes about all of this that's helpful since many of us weren't born with common sense or taught half of these truths in junior high.
For me, the personal grooming/hygiene sections are extremely self-explanatory and for me useless. Sadly enough, I have more than a few friends that could take a solid look at this section.
Among the most helpful sections are where to meet women, props to use in conversation, and varying techniques to "close the deal" after you've been talking to a woman for a while. In addition, Wygant poses several different questions that you should ask yourself whenever approaching a woman that you fear rejection from. Furthermore, there are great sections on both internet dating and blind dating that are definitely useful.
Is a majority of this common sense? The first few sections on hygiene, grooming , physical/mental makeover, and dating myths are. However, the rest of the book had a lot of stuff I'd given little thought to or never thought of altogether. If you call that common sense, then so be it. However, most of Wygant's advice has definitely helped improve my perspective on dating/picking up women. For the price of $3-4 on Amazon Marketplace, what have you really got to lose?
-Travis.
Double your dating.......2007-02-09
I run a singles organization, and am constantly in search of good reference materials. I happened to get an ebook online from a man called David Deangelo who sells and markets a whole line of materials of this same genre. Part of his program consists of audio CDs with dating gurus, one of which was David Wygant. I kept this CD in my car for over a month literally laughing at that great material. In the interview David came across as confident, relaxed, and inventive. I only wish this book was as good as his interview, but it does highlight all the basics of his philosophy in meeting a partner. He covers all aspects, atttitude(sometimes called inner game), attire(what to wear), presentation(the importance of good hygiene), and more. I feel alot of people can benefit from his audacity, and mantra. However this book falls short in it's own merit from it's approach, I only wish whoever was his writting coach(since David himself is not a writer), would have brought out more of his humor thoughout the book with lots of examples or fun stories. Overall this is a good book, which will give most people the necessities they need to find their perfect someone.
Common Sense 101.......2006-09-05
Men, cut that mullet or trim that ponytail! (p. 42) Women, teased hair is out! (p. 41) (Just in case anyone has been asleep since the B-52s debuted or models her hair style from Gary Larson cartoons.) And not only does dating coach David Wygant tell daters to put a Q-tip in your ear, he gives you step-by-step instructions on p. 44. And, men and women, for goodness sake, trim that nose hair! (p. 49.)
Get the feeling the advice in this book is rather basic, common sense stuff? You're right. Granted, it's not all about grooming, although most of those tips are common sense as well. Advice includes how to: fill out internet profiles, start conversations with anyone (and gain the courage to do so), ask for phone numbers, and tell if someone's single. Hint - that wedding ring is a BIG clue (p. 158). But Wygant goes beyond the wedding ring to less obvious clues.
I have mixed feelings about the book. It's virtually all good advice, although I know happily married guys with ponytails. And there's none of the silly dating "play hard to get" Rules type of advice. I would think a lot of people will already know most of this stuff (although I've been on some dates from hell with guys who didn't). Anyway, here it is in one place to possibly serve as a motivator or refresher to someone who is just entering the dating scene or who has been out of it a while. It's a particularly good book for folks who are shy or who have difficulty starting conversations with the opposite sex. I suggest checking it out of the library first, lest you purchase this book only to find you knew about 98% of this stuff.
A Response to Mr. Greenstein.......2006-09-04
Mr. Greenstein wasn't being accurate earlier with regard to the section, "The Entitlement Myth." Although we respect his opinion, we beleive he has taken our work out of context. Here are the first few paragraphs of that section for future potential readers.
"I can't tell you how many clients have come to me and said, "David, you're my last resort. I've done the right things. I've been a good person. Yet, nothing ever happens to me. I never get asked out. I'm alone and I'm tired of being alone. Aren't I entitled to a little happiness?" My response to them is a resounding, "No."
People aren't entitled to happiness. People have to work for happiness just as they have to work for a successful career, and in the very same way they have to work and save for a house, a car, a stereo, retirement, or even to maintain friendships.
When you believe you're entitled to something, you won't go after it. You passively wait around hoping whatever you feel entitled to will be handed to you on a silver platter. When no one serves it up to you, you become angry, upset, and frustrated. "Damn it," you proclaim. "I'm a good person. I do the right things. I'm entitled to this." You become reactive, instead of proactive."
You be the judge.
Pretty good, actually.......2006-08-24
I bought this along with a few other self-help books, and this one was probably the most realistic. The overall tone is sincere but firm, which I think is a good thing especially with a sometimes delicate subject like dating and love. I think the title may be a little misleading, and perhaps a more fitting one would be along the lines of "Dating Advice for Nice People," but I guess I can't critique that since titles are supposed to catch your attention and well, I own the book now.
Like I mentioned, this is a good book for nice folks -- those of us who aren't exactly the flirtatious type. It really appeals to people like myself who have always thought "Well, it will happen when it happens" and are now in the mind frame of "I want to make it happen, now." While I can't say from first-hand experience that the advice and tips actually work, I can honestly say that they seem reasonable. I like how realistic he is about dating, and this book really put into perspective what it might be like to be "proactive" and ask a person out.
One thing I love about this book is that it warns against going to bars to find a date. For those of us who aren't that impressed with alcohol and don't see a get-together primarily based on the presence of booze appealing, this is a relief to read. He shows that it's possible to meet people in everyday places like the coffee shop, the movie theater and even the university library.
It's easy to read because the sections are divided to help you read what you want and pass over what you don't want to see. For example, I have no interest in online dating and getting set up on blind dates. It was easy to skip those parts because I just moved on to the chapter for meeting people on my own.
It's a good book. I actually read the whole book cover-to-cover (minus the two sections stated above) in one sitting and felt satisfied with what I had learned.
Book Description
Do you come away from contact with your parent with unbearable feelings of rage, low self-esteem and depression?
Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling?
Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior?
No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough?
No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being -- even if that relationship is with a parent. In this ground-breaking book, Beverly Engel draws on her own personal experience, as well as the stories and letters of other adult children, to offer a complete guide to why, when and how to divorce a parent. Engel discusses good and bad reasons for taking this step, when to stop trying to reconcile, and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the actual divorce, including such alternatives as temporary separation. If you do decide that parental divorce; how to handle negative pressure from others; how to come to terms with your own grief and guilt; what to tell your own children, and how to deal with their relationships with their grandparents; how to cope with holidays; how to divorce a parent after his or her death; and what to do if you change your mind and want to reconcile.
Customer Reviews:
Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past.......2006-11-10
This book is an excellent publication for anyone who has suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a parent/parents. Every statement in the book was so true to form that it was scary to realize just how bad life really was. Knowing that other individuals have experienced the same abuse with the same threats and parental abuse was somewhat comforting to know that others have experienced these abuses and gone on to live better lives. Very highly recommended reading for anyone feeling abused by a parent(s).
Wishing I'd Seen This Four Years Ago!.......2006-05-11
While I made the decision to cut off contact with my parents and brother four years ago, it is only recently I've begun to find books that broach this topic, and do so from a perspective that it is a healthy and sometimes necessary choice. I have been drinking in these resources as a way of validating the path I've taken and also partly to ensure I've taken the proper steps so that it is a path of healing and starting over.
I recently finished Beverly Engel's Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted. At the time this book was published, the concept of divorcing (as in terminating a relationship with) one's parents was an extremely radical and unpopular one.
Fifteen years later, it is a somewhat more acceptable idea than it used to be. But unfortunately many people in our society still believe choosing to limit or eliminate contact with toxic family members is taboo without wishing to understand why it is the best and sometimes only option.
America is Mom and apple pie; to divorce Mom is to desecrate what is American in some people's eyes, even if it is done for one's survival. I unfortunately have dealt with people on all levels of acquaintance who've made it their business to let me know they disapproved of my choice when they learned about it. As well-meaning as some of these critics were, it was still hurtful to be invalidated that way and I always felt stuck, not knowing how to respond to that without getting defensive.
That said I really do wish I'd found this book four years ago. Beverly Engel wrote Divorcing a Parent after having made the decision to divorce her own abusive mother a few years earlier, and counseling countless others who were struggling with this dilemma in their own lives. She took her personal experiences, anecdotes from various patients, and her expertise as a counselor, and rolled them into a very helpful guide towards making a rational decision about whether to divorce one's parents, and in some cases, entire families.
At the same time Engel's book is intelligent, in that it does not hold bias towards what the decision should be for the individual. She respects that some people may want or even need a relationship to continue, and therefore she explores all the options, including limiting contact, emotionally separating oneself, and even attempting reconciliation if someone changes their mind down the road. Engel also states that it is possible to divorce one parent and maintain a relationship with the other if one so wishes. But Engel remains reverent of the fact that the choice must be the individual's alone above all.
I also appreciated that Divorcing a Parent does NOT advocate remaining stuck in victim mode. In fact, Engel states that in choosing to alter or eliminate a relationship with one's parents, a person is also making a simultaneous commitment to grow up, shed the dysfunctional dependency on their parents, and not allow their past to determine who they are anymore.
Engel also points out that divorcing one's parent(s) is never an effective way of getting back at them, and should never be used to make them "pay" for their sins in the hopes that they will see things your way. Divorcing a parent should only be for the sake of healing and self-preservation, for one's own mental and emotional health, especially if the parent(s) have not acknowledged the past abuse or continue to perpetrate it at some level.
Divorcing a Parent does a wonderful job as well of guiding the reader through various exercises for releasing anger and working through grief. Engel describes options for both physically and emotionally detaching, including trying a trial separation, or formal rituals a person can perform to stand by their choice, such as writing a letter to one's parent(s) or drawing up a formal divorce decree for yourself if you decide to make the separation permanent.
It also addresses the guilt that almost inevitably comes about as a result of hearing criticism over the choices made, be it from others or within. I especially found it a relief when Engel provided suggestions for responding to subtle, "well-meaning" responses that can undermine a vulnerable person who is sharing about this part of their lives. It makes me wish I'd had these responses available to me so many times, and grateful I have them now in the event I hear them again.
Finally, Engel has sections at the end of the book addressed to various people who may be involved in the life of the reader, including friends, spouses, therapists, and even the parent of the reader. She poses questions and challenges to each of these parties without being preachy or condemning, rather instead choosing to shed light on possible reasons why someone may struggle with accepting or supporting someone else's decision to reduce or eliminate association with an abusive parent.
My one small criticism of Engel's work is that she advocates it's necessary try to find some good in an abusive parent as a method of moving forward. She states healing will not happen unless we do.
The reason this is bothersome for me is because I believe there are people who really are unredeemably evil and sociopathic, who are sadistic and deliberate in their abuse. History, psychology, and even some religious circles openly admit this.
My opinion is that yes, some people who abuse are good people and are just sick or hopelessly caught up in a cycle they don't realize they're in. Those are people for whom perhaps it's worth spending time and energy finding good in them. But there are yet others who operate on a permanent mean streak because they were born without a conscience. When this is blatantly obvious, I believe trying to see them in a sympathetic light is counterproductive.
I think in such cases it should be respected that it may simply be overly difficult if not impossible to try to find good in such persons. I don't agree that looking for the good in someone who did horrendous things to you is necessarily therapeutic either. I wish in a way that Engel had acknowledged this as a possibility and left a door open for an alternative way of working through this if it is a possibility for certain people.
Nevertheless, I still consider that to be a minor point of contention in light of how helpful and validating the rest of this book is. It's a resource I would definitely have turned to a long time ago if I'd known of it. I'd probably have still come to the same decision as I have, but reading this before or at the same time I did I believe would have made the transition easier, helped me through the emotional process, and possibly with less false guilt all these years. I highly recommend this for anyone seeking a better way of dealing with a dysfunctional family.
By the way, it is interesting to note that after Engel's book was published, her own mother read it and experienced a change of heart. Engel and her mother have since reconciled and reportedly enjoy a better relationship today; this later inspired Engel to write the book The Power of Apology. This is a rare outcome, and in that respect it is an especially heartwarming and happy ending.
Great book.......2005-09-01
This is a must read for everybody and anybody whose parents express love in 'interesting ways'. While reading this book, I knew the author was talking about the experiences which I and too many other people have.
We are always at fault for something, regardless of what it is. We are called 'mental' by our families for not liking that abuse! Meanwhile we try to be 'good' and not insult them back with something. During this silence we up making ourselves sick through that acting; we are emotionally and mentally better off without our parents.
If unhappy people can divorce from an unhealthy marriage, people who are unhappy with their families ought to be able to divorce their parents too.
Finding a supportive and healthy family of your own choosing is much better than attempting to ride things out with a family that chose you. Attempting to go through the motions of the `devoted child' is not worth it.
Help for the hardest decision you may ever have to make........2004-12-17
"Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned"....Titus 3:10-11.
I have recommended this book several times in the course of my ministry work with adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. The decision to divorce a parent is never easy and is never made hastily. It is usually a matter of mental, emotional, and often physical survival after the adult child has spent many years trying every other alternative to make the relationship work.
Painful though it is, there are birth-family relationships that are so destructive that the only thing you can do is get out. Only then can you begin your healing and recovery and eventually lead a peaceful and joyful life.
This book presents practical and sympathetic advice from someone who has been down that road- the author herself, who besides being a therapist, found it necessary to divorce her own abusive mother.
Besides its content, this book is interesting in a very unique way. After the author divorced her mother, she wrote this book. Her mother bought it and read it, apologized to the author and made an effort to change her destructive behavior, and they have now reconciled. The author then wrote a follow-up book called The Power of Apology.
Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. She is the author of 14 books, and has been on Oprah, Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, and other national talk shows. She found it necessary to divorce her mother, not because of past childhood abuse, but because of the CONTINUAL ABUSE SHE SUFFERED AS AN ADULT. No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens her well-being, even if that relationship is with a parent.
Divorcing A Parent explains the right and wrong reasons for divorce. Some of the right reasons are: to break the cycle of abuse, when it's either you or them, when your parent is hypercritical, controlling, or manipulative, and when your parent continues to abuse you or continues to deny the truth.
We are taught how to confront our parent and what to expect, including our parent divorcing us when we stand up for ourselves. We learn that abusive people don't mellow with age, they usually just get worse.
The book teaches you how to prepare for the divorce, how to separate emotionally, and takes you through the process of letting go, mourning the loss of your parent, and completing the grieving process. We learn how to deal with pressure and criticism from our siblings and other relatives who want us to continue accepting the abuse.
There are also suggestions to the divorced parent, to mates, friends, and loved ones, and to therapists.
I believe that Divorcing A Parent is a must-read for adult children who need to free themselves from an abusive relationship with a parent.
"They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"...Psalm 129:2-4
Healthy future for me now.......2004-01-21
Unbelievable!!! I have finally come to terms with the abuse and abandonment that my family has continued to show me for more than 15 years. I have completed the necessary steps indicated in the book and realize I am the only mentally healthy individual in my immediate family. Unfortunately, my sister is continuing the legacy that my Mother began with her daughter. It is absolutely sickening to witness. However, I was able to emotionally divorce myself from them just prior to them abandoning me for the last time. You see, their modus operandi WAS to cut me off for any decision I made in which they didn't approve. I emphasize "WAS" because I will no longer feel the pain of their disapproval. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I now know that I don't need to be punished for being the human being and individual that I am. Whether they like it or not. I can't recommend this book enough to those of you who are even contemplating this scenario. You must at least try to be at peace with who you are and that is... a wonderful human being.
Book Description
Can anything separate us from God's love? Does He really love us, no matter what?
How does He feel about me when I snap at anything that moves? When I've failed as a parent? When my thoughts are gutter-level? When my tongue is sharp? Have I drifted too far? Waited too long? Slipped too much? The answer is found in one of life's sweetest words-grace.
It is God who lovingly holds us in the eternal grip of His grace. Our good deeds won't help. Perfect performance is not required. The God who made us has redeemed us and covered our sinfulness with His righteousness. His holiness is sufficient for all our sin. And that's grace.
Best-selling author Max Lucado proclaims the grace of God to be "the greatest discovery of my life." And he wants to share that discovery by taking us on a journey through the mountaintop truths found in Paul's letter to the Romans. "Romans is the grandest treatise on grace ever written. You'll find the air fresh and the view clear."
Customer Reviews:
One of Lucado's Best.......2007-09-05
This is my favorite Lucado book so far. He explains the true meaning of grace and it's role in our salvation in a beautiful and insightful way. The illustrations used throughout the book really drive the point home. Great book for Christians and for those who are still searching.
terrific.......2007-01-17
A great book on the study of Romans. Every CoC member should read it and let go of our Pelagian attitudes.
Grip of Grace? Get a Grip!.......2007-01-01
This book is a Bible Study.
I got it for Christmas and it absolutely ruined the birthday of Christ for me. I mean who wants to hear about Christ on Christmas?
This book proves that there is no involvement of God in our daily lives; because why would God want to ruin my Christmas by giving me this book?
Oh, and it is horribly written. I mean bad. I mean grade-school level.
The author must be intellectually immature, just like people who read this book and enjoy it.
Learn About Amazing Grace.......2006-11-09
Two years ago I began a study of the grace of God, and this volume greatly encouraged me.
This analogies are great; his use of Scripture is carefully handled. I highly recommend this volume if somone is attempting to discover what is grace.
Book Description
This ECPA best-seller focuses on three primary questions: what does true spiritual life really look like?; what hinders me from living such a life?; and what practices can help me pursue such a life?
Customer Reviews:
A Challengin Book.......2007-08-05
This book is a great resource that challenges Christians to analyze their lives as followers of Christ. Moreover, Ortberg challenges the business of life which has infiltrated those who follow Christ.
Excellent for your Spiritual Growth.......2006-06-06
I just finished The Life You've Always Wanted in about three days. Ortberg is practical, challenging, and honest. I love his insights on some of the less talked about Christian disciplines - like slowing down, regular confession, and servanthood.
Here is a non-dry, non-wordy, powerful book that any Christian should read. Takes the "pressure" out of spiritual disciplines and inspires me to focus my pursuit of God. Good stuff! I'll read it again.
A Tale of Two Books.......2002-06-07
First of all, I want to say that some of the material in here is among the most applicable and heart-rendering that I have read in a long, long time. It seems to me that this book is almost two different books. The books reminds me of some movies that I have watched where the first half was so magnetic that I could not stop watching. Then the second half of the movie loses my attention because it goes on a tangent or is just plain uninteresting.
Ortberg's discussion of boundaries resonated within me. He states that Christians use boundaries to dictate who is in their group and who is not. Drinking is a boundary. If you drink, you are outside my group. If you don't drink, you are inside the group. The same applies for smoking, dancing, caffeine, you name it. Ortberg implies that this is how many Christians live their lives. He says that our lives should be marked by a transformation of the heart, not by boundaries. Wow.
Another chapter highlighted the need to be quiet, to take things slow. This, he says, is necessary to hear God speak to us. That really does make sense. Being one who likes to speed (and people in Nashville drive SLOW), I found this chapter to be refreshing.
A lot of the book deals specically with spiritual disciplines in bullet fashion (before reading the Bible, do this, this, and this). That's where it started to get uninteresting. Not that this is not important. Far be it from that. But he starts the book with such fervor on the life we are all looking for as Christians and then moves to a bullet list of what to do. For me, I just found that change too much. But still a good buy.
Unbelievable in it's practical application.......2002-05-13
I have read several books on spiritual development
/formation and this is "hand-down" the best and most practical I have ever seen. The Author has either been there or has been given devine insight from God (or both). There is no "air" in this book it is hard hitting, accurate and real life. Should be required reading for all.
Not for non-hardcore Christians.......2002-03-01
I wish I had read the reviews here before picking up the book. Let me state right off (to prevent the sure-to-happen viscious replies) that this is a well written, thoughtful book. It is, however, written specifically for "serious" Christians.
The cover and title are somewhat misleading. I thought it was going to be geared to a more general audience. I am sure that for those looking to regain touch with their Christianity it is worthwhile reading. But if you're looking for something that is not so centric into 1 belief system, then this isn't the book for you...
Books:
- Wild Rain
- A Grammar Book for You and I (Oops, Me): All the Grammar You Need to Succeed in Life (Capital Ideas) (Capital Ideas)
- A Man in Full
- Absolute Batman: Hush
- Act of War: A Novel
- Allen Susser's New World Cuisine
- Bag of Bones
- Beautiful Evidence
- Behold a Pale Horse
- Blind Eye: The Terrifying Story Of A Doctor Who Got Away With Murder
Books Index
Books Home
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